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An Actor, Singer, and Director, I currently reside in the State of Chaos.

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Harsh

A message from my ex's mother: (The Bi-Polar Bitch I had to deal with for 2 years)
Fall of 2008

"Hey Sean...I just wanted to let you know me and my Nick talked last night...things are fine...You're not ever comin to Alabama cause he doesn't want you to come to Alabama...and he's not goin' to school and I told him - I said "Nicholas, you need to give up the computer" I says "because you cant afford it"...
Me and my son's gonna get somethin. We're probably goin to get an apartment...I'm gonna sell my shit and he's gonna be where I'm at. Bloods thicker than water. And he can find little old dicks. I've seen your dick. It aint shit...he can find shit like you a dime a dozen...and my son's too good looking for you...and you just a desperate damn bastard...but you ain't gonna make it...sooner or later somethin'll happen to you...no wonder them damn other guys beat the hell outta you...they had to do that to get rid of you cause your like a leech...but Nicks usin' you and your too damn dumb to know it but I don't care cause you're trash."

Followed by next message:

"You ain't dead yet? Oh, that's right - Trash like you don't die!"

F**K that Noise!!!!

                                                    

     It's been just a little over four years since I posted an entry in this blog...and a little over four years since I officially became a Cancer survivor.

     Having put a lot of that behind me, I see an expression from time to time pop up on Facebook that grates on my nerves.

     "God never gives you more than you can handle!"

     Whoever came up with that expression (or even uses it) obviously never had Cancer. They have never gone through excrutiating pain that was so bad you wanted to cut off your leg, or kill yourself just to end it all. They have never suffered on a day to day basis with the worst quality of life imaginable.

     No, I couldn't handle it. I tolerated it for as long as I could, but the sleepless nights and waking up screaming whenever I did fall asleep, or the fact that I had to force myself to do anything while going through torturous pain, was a living nightmare.

     I fought and I fought hard. I suffered like not many people have suffered. And I survived - not because I could handle it - but because the doctors did what they could to keep me alive.

     The only time I actually could handle it was when I was so fucked up on drugs, that my pain, and reality was practically non-existent.

     And I'm not even going to mention the Chemo that I suffered through for months on end that put me in the hospital twice.

     But, let's face it - this expression, (which based on my personal experience, is a slap in the face to what I went through) is just a way to put people's minds at ease when going through a tough situation - obviously not a terminal illness or any other excrutiating physical ailments.

     Next time you know someone who is suffering in extreme pain, say that to them, and see how they react, because if anyone had said that to me at the time, I would have punched them so hard in the face, just to see if they felt the same after a broken nose.
     Handle that, you inconsiderate fuck!

     P.S.: What didn't kill me, sure as hell made me stronger!

    

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Broken

After 2 years and 10 days, we ended.

First time I ever broke up with someone i truly loved, and the hardest thing i have ever had to do.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Why I'm Hating My Life Right Now...

It's Thanksgiving...not that I celebrate Thanksgiving, but it sucks when I'm in an atmosphere of people who do, and expect me to celebrate it along with them...
and when I don't,
I'm told I'm a miserable person who makes others miserable whenever they're around me, and that I need to get a life and stop locking myself up in my room.
but that's what I do.
I do not want a life in Florida, and I do not want to start one since I will be leaving.
And I'm sorry I'm miserable.
I'm allowed to be with where I'm at...
Besides, it's my life - I can choose to have one, just like I can choose to be miserable...
And until we are together, I've made my choice.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Restoration of Faith

I wanted him...right then. In my own insecurities, I met once again with spontaneity. Through fits of crying and emotional distress, I couldn't take it anymore. I woke early Saturday morning and decided that I was going to take a ten hour drive to Alabama.

Now, ten hours may be a long time, but seven months is even longer...and I was worried that he and i were about to falter.

I told my mom about 8:30 am, and she suggested that I get my slow leak in the tire fixed...so we both went to the Tire Auto place and had that done.

11 or so hours later, after being stopped by a cop for not using my turn signal ( In Evergreen, Al- but the cop didn't issue me a ticket, as I told him I was lost and he pointed me in the right direction.) i pulled up to nick's job, where he was outside smoking a cigarette with a co-worker and a friend.

There was a little bit of tension, due to the fact that he and i had an argument earlier, and I mistook that for him not wanting me there. He told me to go back to Evergreen, and that he would call me when his co-worker and friend left. So I went to Burger King, where i ate half-assedly, as my stomach was tied up in knots. He called soon after, and i went back to his job, where for most of the night, I sat parked next to his car.

He had called me, and expressed that he wished i would have come on his days off, which were Monday and Tuesday. I told him I needed to see him.

"I look the same!" was his reaction, and I told him that I didn't like that. I was pissed. Maybe I shouldn't have come, I thought, as I contemplated just leaving. Two and a half or so hours later, He got into his car and told me to follow him. Still hadn't received a kiss.

I followed him as he sped through back roads, calling him on the cell.

"Could you go any faster?"

This seemed to agitate him, as he told me that he doesn't have much time. Of course, it didn't help that I, myself had a bit of an attitude.

This became another short argument.

I hung up.

Two minutes later, i called him back.

"You're not mad at me, are you?"

"No!", he replied.

And a few minutes later, we pulled into a secluded spot, where i got into his car, and he took my hand, until I finally ended up in his comfortable big arms. Argument forgotten and tension dissipated.

About an hour later, after a quickie in the car, he had to leave...so I went and got a hotel.


Sunday, I laid in bed for most of the day, watching tv...waiting...and waiting...

I did get up and get lunch. I also drove by his friend Monica's house, and thought of stopping by, but since there was no car in the driveway, I decided against it. Went back to the hotel where I continued waiting in torturous anticipation for him to get off of work and get to me.

Finally, at 11; 30 p.m., after not hearing from him for several hours, I called him, wondering where he was at. He was still at his job, and then had to go to his house to pick up some things. The next hour and a half or so was hell for me, but he finally showed up at the hotel.

We went to Monica's house and hung out there for a few hours. By the time we got back to the hotel, it was about 4 a.m. But we didn't go to sleep. Instead, we had sex, and then watched tv...eventually falling asleep around 10 a.m. I was originally supposed to leave on Monday, but decided to stay another day.

We slept 'til about 2:30. I was worried all day that he was going to have to go home, but he didn't - so we had another night together. We spent the day in the hotel room watching tv.

Before heading in the shower, I told him that he needs to be strong for the both of us...like if I'm ready to give up, I don't want him to give in., because i don't mean it when I say certain things. I love him too much, and would hate to lose him, even through my own stupidity and/or insecurity.

Later that evening, we drove around looking at apartment complexes. He doesn't care to live in Evergreen, despite the practicality of finances and being close to his job. Still, I asked him if he would consider it, and he said he would.

We went back to the hotel and watched some more tv. He told me he didn't want me to leave and thanked me for coming up to see him. I thanked him for spending the time with me. We would both agree later that this was a relaxing few days as we enjoyed each others company while doing absolutely nothing.

Eventually, I fell asleep, while he went to go visit Monica at her job. When he came back at about 4 in the a.m., he laid in bed next to me. Two or so hours later, I woke up and forced myself on him, releasing some sexual tension.

I had trouble sleeping, so I laid next to him, with all these thoughts roaming through my head. It hurt knowing that I only had a few more hours with him before I had to head back.

When he woke, he got ready as we left the hotel. We went and had lunch at a park before saying goodbye, which, of course, is still the hardest thing to do.


Even though, I was crying a bit in the park, the tears really didn't start flowing 'til the next day, when i was once again 630 miles away from him.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Rebound

He tried hard not to break my heart...but, luckily, it was a superficial break.
i don't remember what it was, when i felt cupids arrow hit. I just knew that i wanted to spend as much time with him, regardless of my existing relationship. We had so much in common, and our compatibility matched like i had matched with no other. i was developing a crush, and there was no secret about it, no matter how much i tried to hide it. but that's all that it was...a simple crush. As long as i was in my relationship, i was not going to pursue an affair - besides the fact i had believed he was straight.
It wasn't until i ended my relationship did i find out he had a crush on me, as well. But what was to ensue would only last for two weeks.
I'll never forget the day he sat me down and told me he could never be gay. i was expecting this moment to happen. I just wasn't expecting it to be so soon. Due to so much overwhelming emotion at the time, this was a huge blow, and I could not stop the tears from flowing. I was in a depressive state for a few days before realising it was all for the better. He and I were better off as friends, as I would figure out in the months to come.
But, I am glad for what was shared. If he hadn't have come into my life, I'd probably still be miserable in my miserable relationship. He opened my eyes to so much.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Isolated Incident

Phone is off.
Makes me wonder who he might be with.
A wink, maybe?
My fault, i guess -
for being so damn insecure...
for wantng to hide when I'm not feeling well...
for being so far away, unable to give him the physical affection he deserves...
Phone's been off all night.
Funny how my mind thinks he's cheating
when it could be any number of things...
I just can't fathom why the phone would be off...
unless he forgot about me.
7 months is too long to be away from the one you love...
with still no telling when we'll be together...
How long before i give up?
How long before my insecurities get the better of me?
How long before he realises I'm worthless...?