About Me

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An Actor, Singer, and Director, I currently reside in the State of Chaos.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Why I'm Hating My Life Right Now...

It's Thanksgiving...not that I celebrate Thanksgiving, but it sucks when I'm in an atmosphere of people who do, and expect me to celebrate it along with them...
and when I don't,
I'm told I'm a miserable person who makes others miserable whenever they're around me, and that I need to get a life and stop locking myself up in my room.
but that's what I do.
I do not want a life in Florida, and I do not want to start one since I will be leaving.
And I'm sorry I'm miserable.
I'm allowed to be with where I'm at...
Besides, it's my life - I can choose to have one, just like I can choose to be miserable...
And until we are together, I've made my choice.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Restoration of Faith

I wanted him...right then. In my own insecurities, I met once again with spontaneity. Through fits of crying and emotional distress, I couldn't take it anymore. I woke early Saturday morning and decided that I was going to take a ten hour drive to Alabama.

Now, ten hours may be a long time, but seven months is even longer...and I was worried that he and i were about to falter.

I told my mom about 8:30 am, and she suggested that I get my slow leak in the tire fixed...so we both went to the Tire Auto place and had that done.

11 or so hours later, after being stopped by a cop for not using my turn signal ( In Evergreen, Al- but the cop didn't issue me a ticket, as I told him I was lost and he pointed me in the right direction.) i pulled up to nick's job, where he was outside smoking a cigarette with a co-worker and a friend.

There was a little bit of tension, due to the fact that he and i had an argument earlier, and I mistook that for him not wanting me there. He told me to go back to Evergreen, and that he would call me when his co-worker and friend left. So I went to Burger King, where i ate half-assedly, as my stomach was tied up in knots. He called soon after, and i went back to his job, where for most of the night, I sat parked next to his car.

He had called me, and expressed that he wished i would have come on his days off, which were Monday and Tuesday. I told him I needed to see him.

"I look the same!" was his reaction, and I told him that I didn't like that. I was pissed. Maybe I shouldn't have come, I thought, as I contemplated just leaving. Two and a half or so hours later, He got into his car and told me to follow him. Still hadn't received a kiss.

I followed him as he sped through back roads, calling him on the cell.

"Could you go any faster?"

This seemed to agitate him, as he told me that he doesn't have much time. Of course, it didn't help that I, myself had a bit of an attitude.

This became another short argument.

I hung up.

Two minutes later, i called him back.

"You're not mad at me, are you?"

"No!", he replied.

And a few minutes later, we pulled into a secluded spot, where i got into his car, and he took my hand, until I finally ended up in his comfortable big arms. Argument forgotten and tension dissipated.

About an hour later, after a quickie in the car, he had to leave...so I went and got a hotel.


Sunday, I laid in bed for most of the day, watching tv...waiting...and waiting...

I did get up and get lunch. I also drove by his friend Monica's house, and thought of stopping by, but since there was no car in the driveway, I decided against it. Went back to the hotel where I continued waiting in torturous anticipation for him to get off of work and get to me.

Finally, at 11; 30 p.m., after not hearing from him for several hours, I called him, wondering where he was at. He was still at his job, and then had to go to his house to pick up some things. The next hour and a half or so was hell for me, but he finally showed up at the hotel.

We went to Monica's house and hung out there for a few hours. By the time we got back to the hotel, it was about 4 a.m. But we didn't go to sleep. Instead, we had sex, and then watched tv...eventually falling asleep around 10 a.m. I was originally supposed to leave on Monday, but decided to stay another day.

We slept 'til about 2:30. I was worried all day that he was going to have to go home, but he didn't - so we had another night together. We spent the day in the hotel room watching tv.

Before heading in the shower, I told him that he needs to be strong for the both of us...like if I'm ready to give up, I don't want him to give in., because i don't mean it when I say certain things. I love him too much, and would hate to lose him, even through my own stupidity and/or insecurity.

Later that evening, we drove around looking at apartment complexes. He doesn't care to live in Evergreen, despite the practicality of finances and being close to his job. Still, I asked him if he would consider it, and he said he would.

We went back to the hotel and watched some more tv. He told me he didn't want me to leave and thanked me for coming up to see him. I thanked him for spending the time with me. We would both agree later that this was a relaxing few days as we enjoyed each others company while doing absolutely nothing.

Eventually, I fell asleep, while he went to go visit Monica at her job. When he came back at about 4 in the a.m., he laid in bed next to me. Two or so hours later, I woke up and forced myself on him, releasing some sexual tension.

I had trouble sleeping, so I laid next to him, with all these thoughts roaming through my head. It hurt knowing that I only had a few more hours with him before I had to head back.

When he woke, he got ready as we left the hotel. We went and had lunch at a park before saying goodbye, which, of course, is still the hardest thing to do.


Even though, I was crying a bit in the park, the tears really didn't start flowing 'til the next day, when i was once again 630 miles away from him.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Rebound

He tried hard not to break my heart...but, luckily, it was a superficial break.
i don't remember what it was, when i felt cupids arrow hit. I just knew that i wanted to spend as much time with him, regardless of my existing relationship. We had so much in common, and our compatibility matched like i had matched with no other. i was developing a crush, and there was no secret about it, no matter how much i tried to hide it. but that's all that it was...a simple crush. As long as i was in my relationship, i was not going to pursue an affair - besides the fact i had believed he was straight.
It wasn't until i ended my relationship did i find out he had a crush on me, as well. But what was to ensue would only last for two weeks.
I'll never forget the day he sat me down and told me he could never be gay. i was expecting this moment to happen. I just wasn't expecting it to be so soon. Due to so much overwhelming emotion at the time, this was a huge blow, and I could not stop the tears from flowing. I was in a depressive state for a few days before realising it was all for the better. He and I were better off as friends, as I would figure out in the months to come.
But, I am glad for what was shared. If he hadn't have come into my life, I'd probably still be miserable in my miserable relationship. He opened my eyes to so much.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Isolated Incident

Phone is off.
Makes me wonder who he might be with.
A wink, maybe?
My fault, i guess -
for being so damn insecure...
for wantng to hide when I'm not feeling well...
for being so far away, unable to give him the physical affection he deserves...
Phone's been off all night.
Funny how my mind thinks he's cheating
when it could be any number of things...
I just can't fathom why the phone would be off...
unless he forgot about me.
7 months is too long to be away from the one you love...
with still no telling when we'll be together...
How long before i give up?
How long before my insecurities get the better of me?
How long before he realises I'm worthless...?

Friday, October 31, 2008

hurt

I'm not going to live the rest of my life in "When".
I'm not gonna bury my future with me.
I need to fix this broken heart,
and i have to do that on my own...

Thursday, October 30, 2008

De Ja Vu




Coming out of the hospital, yet again, I am instantly taken back to five months ago. The house smells the same. The feeling of emptiness is heightened, as it was five months before. i am back in a familiar place of unfamiliarity.


And I sit here the next day wondering, again, why I survived a near death experience; my second in one year's time. Five months pass, and history repeats itself.




And I'm in my own quandry about my life and where it is headed.


Am I safer here?


And if so, what happens to us?




"How many times can i break 'til I shatter?


Over the line,


can't define what I'm after.


I always was turn the car around."


O.A.R. - Shattered




"I never thought that i'd have any more to give


pushing me so far.


here I am wothout you!


Drink!


to all that we have lost,


mistakes we have made.


everything will change


but love remains the same"


Gavin Rossdale - Love Remains the Same






Thursday, August 21, 2008

Rooted


I really don't miss my ex. But it doesn't mean i don't think about him. All the bad times we had are so memorable, but sometimes I try to think about the good times we actually had, and that's pretty tough, considering our constant head-butting. When i learned what kind of person he was, it was as if everything good he did for me was for an incentive, so really, what good was there?
No, what i really miss is my life in NYC. Or i should just say what I truly miss was having a life. I've been many places in the US, and had many wonderful adventures and experiences, and its sad to think that I can't have that anytime in the near future.
I just have the need for adventure, because it's the adventure that's missing from my life.
I need to get the fuck out of Hollywood, Fl!!!

Friday, July 18, 2008

Cliched

"It's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all."

Probably the biggest bullshit cliche ever stated. I mean, really - what is that? What the fuck does it mean?

Yes, love is a wonderful experience and all - but losing it isn't, and no matter how you lost the person, if anyone says this to you in the aftermath, they should be shot in all their condescending arrogant ignorance.

A heartbreak is probably one of the worst pains one can feel. And that heartbreak is caused by having loved. This pain could be avoided if you hadn't have fallen in love in the first place.
So, is it really better?

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Morphinated

Never take Morphine on an empty stomach.
I'm assuming that's what it was, considering I never got any warning from the Doctor or the pharmacist about taking it with food.
All I know is i got out of bed this morning, feeling nauseous. I ate a piece of bread before taking my mother to work, and the nausea went away.
On my way back home, I could feel my gag reflexes starting to go. I stopped at the light, and next thing I know, I'm blowing chunks out the window. Not once. Not twice, but four times. problem was, i didn't get my head far enough outside the window. So, there it was, all over the car door - inside and out.
I feel sorry for the other cars around that witnessed this humiliating public display.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Neglected

I'm still me.
I wish people could understand that just because i have Cancer, it doesn't change who I am as a person.
I'm not looking for sympathy...or even a reaction...
I just feel like everyone's running away from me.

Saturday, July 12, 2008

No Good Deed Goes Unpunished

I was under the impression that he was a Prisoner in his own world...and I was to set him free.

It was all just an illusion.

Friday, July 11, 2008

Miles Away

My heart is breaking...slowly. Splintering and cracking - so loud. By the time I get to him, my heart will be nothing but Ruins. It's so painful. I have never been so in love in my entire 32 years. Love isn't supposed to hurt - but I guess it does when there's distance in between both hearts.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Age Ain't Nothin' but a Number


Hi.
I'm a 32 year old gay man.
I wear t-shirts with cartoon characters on them, and occasionally logo's, like Echo or Sean John.
I own 2 pairs of sneakers, and very rarely do I ever wear long pants...except when the weather permits, where i prefer a waist two sizes bigger than my own.
I still watch Disney movies, and enjoy them.
My diet of late, consists of Twizzlers and Beef Jerkey.
The thing is, I don't look 32.
I don't feel 32, and I certainly don't act 32.
In a few months I'll be 33. I really don't see a change happening there either.
Wonder what I'll be like when I'm 40.

Sunday, July 6, 2008

Superstitious Writings on the Wall

When do we know if it's Forever?
Or do we ever really?

Instinctively, i felt Forever with him from the moment our relationship began. Had i not, i would have never gotten involved. For the first few months, things were great. There was a mutual feeling, with no fear, whatsoever. Then things happened. He got scared. And while the universe was preventing us from being together, fear reached me as well.
What happened? There was no fear at the beginning. Then, after an establishment, all of a sudden, it decides to pop its head in and say "Hey Sean! I'm here to give you a mental mind fuck!"?

The thing is, I love him so much...too much. My fear stems from the thought that one day, he'll realise that he doesn't want to be with me. He tells me differently, but I am filled with so much insecurity, and when you add Karma into it, well, let's just say, I almost expect the worst.

I've noticed change. But it's not typical in a relationship. this has nothing to do with the Honeymoon being over or anything like that. In the first few month, as I mentioned, there was a mutual love we had for each other, in things that were said or done. Then, circumstances in his life happened, and he changed. There have been times where i felt I was giving too much of myself, and not receiving the same thing in return. I feel like no one will ever love me the way I love. Of course, that doesn't change my feelings towards him - it just intensifies the fear...especially knowing just how much I really do love him. On a side note, i do know that everyone expresses their love differently, and compared to my exes, he's doing the better job in that department by telling me things that i need to hear.

I've been hurt so many ways in this...ways he doesn't even realise, and even though the hurt effects me, I'm doing my best to prevent it from effecting the relationship.
I just know that i could never hurt him, nor would I ever try to, no matter what the situation...and that's where mutuality ends.
I do believe him when he says he loves me and that he wants to be with me for life...but there's so much missing in between the electrical current that connects us. In the past I have felt that I wanted this more than he does, just by certain actions from both our parts; My determination, and his lack of...

I'm keeping my fingers crossed, because if I fall, I'm going to fall harder than I've ever fallen....and its not going to be pretty.

I know that he is Forever in my heart. But will I ever know if I'm Forever in his?

Thursday, July 3, 2008

The Hollywood Dream

I had just finished filming a horror movie, in which a ghost was doing everything it could to get inside a house that I was residing in.
When filming was done, i headed over to the studios at Showtime, where i saw Whoopi Goldberg leaving. Her and I had become good friends. Her show had wrapped for the season, s I knew i wouldn't be seeing her for a while, as she was going back to NYC. I gave her a big hug and told her I would miss her.
I then went on to the table reading of the series that I was on. I played Mariah Carey's husband, and in this new episode, I found out our characters were getting a divorce.
"You're having me written off the show?" I asked, kind of nervous-like.
"Of course we're not writing you off", said Mariah. "You'll be back."
"I should be, because don't we have a kid together?"
"Yeah, I think so."
Afterwards, the cast drove down to these manmade caves to hang out, as was always done after a table read. I was remembering the times that Mariah had given me a ride...and how she had also given me her cell number, when we were arranging rides for me, before i had a car.
Everyone began to leave, and I noticed they were leaving in groups; going somewhere else afterwards...and no one was inviting me.
Then I woke up to my boring life.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Judgement Day


I have blue hair.
I have a mohawk.
Walking into a restaurant this evening, I watched all eyes glare up at me from everyone in there...and I'm not exaggerating. When I sat at my table, those I could see with my eyes were staring at me.
I knew i didn't fit in. The majority of patrons were old, and even the few young ones were the clean-cut, goody-goody church going type.
I could only imagine the thoughts going through their heads. But, what I loved about it was that I'm sure whatever they were thinking was not true about me.
I can say that I felt out of place. But I can't say that I felt uncomfortable.
I always loved being different - especially in my hometown.

Monday, June 30, 2008

Stepmother

Driving me home from the Doctor's, my StepMother asks me if i'm staying in Florida. I tell her i'm not, which she starts going on a big lecture about how I should stay in Florida, as well as finding God. After I've given her every excuse to respond to, I finally stated:

"I'm also in a relationship."

SM: "Oh, see, I'm kinda hoping you'll get out of that."

Me: 'I don't wanna get out of that."

SM: "That's something I've been praying for for years. That you won't be like that anymore and that you'll meet the right woman."

Me: "I'm not attracted to women. I've never been attracted to women."

SM: "But you could be."

me: "No, I couldn't"

SM: "You're Uncle did it." (referring to my Great Uncle who gave up the homosexual lifestyle and married a woman.)

Me: "That was his choice! I'm not gonna choose to be with a woman to make everyone else happy so that I can be miserable!"

SM; "But you could be happy."

Me: "No, I..."

SM: "But that sexual part of your life is over, isn't it?"

Me: "What do you mean?"

SM: "In your condition...you can no longer have sex."

Me: "Um, yes I can. It's called Safe Sex."

SM: "Oh...I thought you couldn't have sex anymore."

And that's where the conversation ended.
Don't you just love Ignorance?!
I guess this is the reason I don't want my Father involved in that part of my life. I'm tired of them hoping that I'll "change" instead of trying to Understand me.
And this is why my Father and I will never have that close relationship that he longs for.

Monday, June 23, 2008

Fuck It!

With Bruce, it was my dancing.

With Anthony, it was my acting.

With Nick, it's my writing.

I will never accomplish anything.

Fuck it. No one reads my shit anyway.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Optimistically Challenged

Yeah, it's official. I am depressed.
i don't want to get out of bed.
I don't want to do anything.
All I really want to do is sleep, because at least my dreams are more interesting than my life at this point.
The only thing I have to look forward to is unfortunately far away, with no set time or date as to when it will actually happen.
I'm crying all the time.
My insecurities are taking over my mind, and seems to be getting worse as each day passes.
I have nothing going for me, as I've failed in life, and don't see any accomplishments in my near future...even though there HAS to be SOME reason why I didn't die a few months ago.
I'd say Life sucks right now, but I can't, because i don't have one.

Sunday, June 8, 2008

What happened to Me?


I had so much going for me in my life. I never jumped on opportunity, and I let destiny guide me.
So, why the fuck did she lead me here? As if she took me for a ride and dropped me off in the middle of nowhere.
There must be a greater plan for me somewhere, because to be honest, with the way my life is going...or shall I say, NOT going...I should have been dead a few months ago.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

I Always wanted to be a Movie Star

But thanks to life, and my ex, that goal has died. all my life, I had that imaginary camera following my every move - to capture the interesting moments happening in my life. I led myself into an imaginary world where i was the star...and then I grew up.
Life does take an unexpected turn in the long run. I left Florida to pursue a career on Broadway. That never happened. But what did happen were my many different stints in small theatre, as well as extra work in small independent films, not to mention the one film where I had a total of three lines that gave me a credit on imdb.
Then, i got involved with another actor, whose spotlight could never be taken off of him. He told me that I didn't have what it took to make it in the professional business, simply because I was unsociable or an anti-asskisser...and that was in the first couple months we had met. He did get me a recurring job in Children's Theatre that paid not only in cash, but also in his criticism. Performing onstage with him always made me nervous, because i always felt like he was judging me, ready to cut down anything I do that doesn't satisfy his acting eye. It was a lot of pressure for me, but still, I manged to stay with the company for two years before he decided he was ready to leave New York and pursue his acting career in L.A. I, personally, was not ready to leave New York, but when you're in a committed relationship, you follow the one you love..or think you love.
We didn't exactly move to L.A. It was actually 1 hour north in a town called Palmdale, and turned out to be a semi-small town of about 30,000 with a large Conservative Community. After a few months, while he was commuting down to L.A., doing student films and other unpaid work, I was getting involved in Community theatre, snagging the lead in the first musical I auditioned for. I was a hit. People were amazed and impressed by my talents. That didn't last long, because the next show i auditioned for, they were desperate for men, so I asked Anthony to audition, and once that happened, he got the lead, and I was forgotten about.
A year later, Wicked was coming to L.A., and they were holding auditions. I was psyched and ready to go. The day before, however, Anthony told me not to get my hopes up. This brought me to tears, as it helped discourage me. Despite his negativity, i still went to the audition. I didn't get in.
That was the last time i auditioned for anything professional.
Now, I've come to the realization that an acting career of any sort is not going to happen. Still, the passion for performing is there. That will never die, no matter how many times I try to pull away from it. Still it hurts to know that everything I worked for in my youth was destroyed, by my lack of motivation, focusing my goal in the wrong direction, and the fact that i let others persuade me into thinking i wasn't good enough.
Hollywood will never happen. Broadway will never happen. But, hopefully, someday, I will happen.

Friday, May 30, 2008

The Worst feeling in the world

Constipation.

I believe I now know what it feels like to actually have a baby.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Life Provided by Technology

If I died tomorrow, who would really miss me...or notice, for that matter? (It's kind of rhetorical, as I actually know the answer to this)
I'm not looking for a pity party here, because God knows I'm really not a party person. But I can't help how unimportant I feel in this life. I know I mean something to a few people, but I don't see those people. One of those happens to be the Love of my life, who I talk to everyday, but, unfortunately, he's not physically around...so...literally, I am alone.
I'm not a Facebook or My Space whore, and the majority of friends on those lists don't even acknowledge me (some of them are just "keep in touch after 10 years - oh, that's what you're doing now? Cool, see ya in another ten" friends - and that's not on my part. I send messages and don't get responses...), so my popularity level has definitely diminished since my high school days.
I used to be an attention whore when i was younger...something i outgrew as I experienced life...and now, I feel like I have to beg people for attention - asking them to read my blogs, 'cause otherwise, these blogs will gather dust - which they seem to be doing. I'm not saying that I want attention, but I am saying that sometimes the lack of attention makes me feel like I don't exist.
In my current state, I'm alone, I'm bored, I'm depressed. I have nothing that I want, with the exception of someone who truly loves me as I do him, but even that is compromised with 630 miles in between us.
And all I can do is wait. Wait for life to start. Wait for my health to get better. Wait for us to come together as one...
But what happens if I die in that waiting? Then I will have spent my remaining days waiting...and no one knows or cares...
I guess this all stems from the One person who can actually make me feel alive only makes me feel alive on a cellphone...

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

The Joys of Chemo


It's been a long day...sitting in a chair with an iv full of pink stuff being pumped into my veins. I actually fell asleep before realising that I was there a lot longer than i had anticipated. My poor father. By the time we got out of the dr.'s office, I could sense he was a bit agitated and in a bad mood, which is a rarity, since my father is usually a jolly old man.

Anyway, out of boredom, and vanity, i snapped a few pics before falling asleep...


I really need to learn to start taking pictures of other people.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

What's so Ugly about south Florida?


Can I just tell you how much I hate the people that reside in South Florida? I grew up here, and it never was like this...and then the migration happened...

I was taught courtesy. That's what they teach you growing up in the suburbs; saying Thank you if someone does something for you, or holding open a door for someone who's right behind you. Where did all that go? just twice last week those things happened to me. I was walking into a building, and was right behind some guy. He opened the door and let it close on me. Then the next day, I blatantly hold the door open for some woman. I didn't have to, as she was a few feet away. Still, I was being courteous. She says nothing. What? Does she think I owe her something?

And don't get me started on the Wal-Mart crowd - so preoccupied on their cellphones that they can't watch where they're going...or even the people who take their time walking in the middle of a parking lot, not getting out of the way for the car that's right behind them...

I wanna know - what happened in the thirteen years that i had been gone? I really don't want to make it a culture thing, but, it looks as though it is - since the 'people of color" are the majority down here, (Cubans, Haitians, Dominicans, Jamaicans, etc.) this is who i find doing most of this shit. I'm not trying to sound racist - but spend a day shopping in my hometown, and you'll see what i'm talking about. Fuckin' rude motherfuckers...

And I'm not going to leave white people out of it, because they can't drive for shit. They can see you with your signal trying to get in their lane, but they won't slow down or speed up to let you in...no...they purposely keep you out of the lane you need to be in...And then there are the assholes on their cellphones who'd sooner get into a car accident than tell the person they're talking to that they'd call them back when they got to less traffic.

and I really thought Palmdale, Ca was bad...

Fuckin' A...

My dr. finally gives me a perscription for some heavy duty kick ass painkillers, and the hospital, in which I get my medicine from does not carry this kind of medication. I was told that unless my medicaid kicks in, i will have to go to a regular pharmacy and pay for it out of pocket. I would, too - if I had the money.
What's the point in having a painful almost terminal illness when you can't get the really good shit???
Then again, I'm in the state of Florida, where nothing ever goes right...

Lack of...

Sometimes he frustrates me. But, that's because I'm selfish. I can't help it if I want to spend every waking moment on the phone with him, nor can i help getting frustrated when he passes out in the middle of a conversation...especially a conversation about us. His words are the only thing that keep me going.
I don't have much of anything else.

Sunday, May 25, 2008

Caged


I think I'm going crazy.

I had a slightly interesting life - for being a homebody. What the hell happened?

At present i feel like ripping the hair out of my head just to know that I am alive. My discomfort is caused by the leaking tumors that prevent me from being physically normal. It itches like crazy, and the more I scratch it, it's as if I'm opening up the Hoover Dam. Just the other day, before i was getting into the shower, i looked down at the tile floor to see that i had been dripping blood. I hadn't dripped blood like this since before the hospital. I'm so ready to be normal again, but I have to be patient in the slow process of tumor shrinkage.

Then there's the mental discomfort - which probably overpowers the physical...and where do i start?
I have no control over my life or anything I want to do. It seems that my only freedom is here on this computer. I'm living with a very controlling mother, and even though it's not mean-spirited, as it comes of nature for her, her "control" is working up my nerves. I cannot even make my own decisions on many things. Hell, I'm not even aloud to drive, as she won't let me, because she thinks that these tumors are going to effect whether or not i get into an accident.

My depressive state is also taking its own control, as i am in the "I just want to disappear" phase. The thing is, I have disappeared. I am confined to this bedroom, and choose when i want to talk to my friends.

I feel as I always feel when i go through a depression - unworthy of love. Just tonight, I wanted to hang up with my boyfriend because I didn't want to put him through the misery of having to deal with me in my depressive state. And that's the part of me that doesn't want to talk to him tonight. But, there's that other part that wants nothing more than to be with him, even if it's only on the phone.

And that's another thing. I am so tired of missing him. I want to see him, and would give up everything to do so...but then he makes a statement about how it would be better that we save our money so that we can finally be together as opposed to spending money just to see each other for just a few days. And this is where my brain starts to go crazy.

My head and my heart have been in a constant war for quite some time now - couldn't even tell you who's winning, but i can tell you that I'm rooting for my heart. A few times, though, my heart has almost thrown up the white flag.

So - my life is at a stand still. I'm frozen. And what pisses me off is that I have no idea when it will start again...but I am so fucking tired of being in this state.

Patience really is a bitch!

Saturday, May 24, 2008

As I Lay Dying...

A Letter to My Youth
(Cancer speaks)


Life will never go the way you plan. The unexpected will outweigh any kind of structure, and once you feel content, know that something is going to pull that rug from under you.

You will not succeed in your aspirations, yet, you will place the blame on your childhood and family members who held you back. The truth is, placing this blame is one of the things that will hold you back, but mostly, it will be you who holds you back. You will come up with excuse after excuse, and not take any responsibility for your lack of determination. You will, however, admit to your insecurities, even if you blame these insecurities on the psychological trauma of family and peers.

The main reason you will not succeed will be due to focus. Your focus will not be on attaining a stable and healthy professional life, but instead, attaining that perfect relationship - which will never happen. You will search and search, and you will find some that you believe will help you achieve, but, then you will find that belief has the tendency to fool you time and again.

In one of these relationships, you will acquire a disease that will force upon you stubbornness and stupidity as you travel through many stages of depression and denial. This denial will eventually come to pass as your physical health deteriorates - which won't be for a few years, but will come at a time where you wish it hadn't.

In the two relationships to follow, you will compromise your character and become someone that you're not, in order to please them. You will not only lose track of yourself, but will also lose track of the happiness you had always wished to attain. It will be in the latter of these two relationships that will end horribly, as you leave in order to find the you that you lost. You will question your capabilities of being human amd what it is to truly feel.

After finding the answers, you will finally find that perfect relationship - only to realise, in all its perfection, it is the most imperfect as things happen beyond your control. Life will get harder, all because you had given up on the independence and individuality that made you who you were. You will become selfless and give into things you never thought you would. You will love, truly, and in return, you will be hurt more than you have ever been. You will put you to the side, as you hold this love higher than anything else. This will create a dangerous situation as your health gets worse, before you realise that you should have been more cautious in taking care of yourself.

Once this happens, you will begin to question the relationship and all that it's worth. You will question him, his relevance to your life, and the strength of his devotion compared to yours. Throughout all of the torture, deceit, and lack of priority, you will realise that your love for him is the strongest you ever felt, and you will accept him for all his faults. This will be a love like you've never known, and in this love, you will come before many brick walls that will take all of your strength to knock down. Every time you knock one down, there will be a new one behind it. The more brick walls you knock down, the weaker you will become. Fatigue will set in, and you will come to terms with the perpetual obstacles that will never go away, no matter what you do.

You will finally know what true love is, but will never know what it is to be truly loved, as your expectations will always exceed acceptance.

You will make many mistakes. Some you will learn from, others you won't - and then there will be the mistakes you make where you will have to deal with the consequences for the rest of your life.

Don't Fucking Judge Me!

So, my mother and I now have this routine where we go grocery shopping every weekend, since her and I have problems walking. We head on over to Publix, and hope that both of the only two electric carts are there, otherwise, we'd have to take turns, while one rides, the other one leans and pushes on a shopping cart. It is kind of humorous how two people living in a household by themselves both have disabled conditions. Two cripples - who try their best to take care of each other when there's no one else around to do so. Sometimes, it turns into a "blind leading the blind" situation.

Anyway, we get to Publix, and, of course, we're lucky enough that both carts are available. I get in mine, she gets in hers. As we're ready to make our way, an employee walks over. I could see it in her face - the question as to why a young, healthy looking man would be getting in a cart usually reserved for the handicapped, elderly, or lazy obese people. She looked like she was at a loss for words, and the only thing that came out of her mouth, as she directed it to the both of us, was "They are unplugged, right?" - as if we didn't know what we were doing. "Yep" we answered and sped off - well, as fast as those motorized carts could go.

Then throughout the shopping, I noticed I was getting looks of dissaproval, not only by other employees, but by customers, as well....as if I was inconveniencing them by being in their way. my mother, on the other hand, because of her age, and the fact that she has a cane in her cart gets opposite reactions. People are willing to help her, etc.

I know I shouldn't care what others think...and I try not to. But, to be honest, sometimes, i want to wear a sign around my neck - or something - explaining that i'm not as healthy as i look. Then again, if they watch me long enough, they'll think I'm either on Heroin or Methadone, thanks to the painkillers I am on.

Double Spaced For Your Pleasure

there's no such thing as backwards,

and forward doesn't look so great without the fast tagged onto it,

so, I'm left on pause

while life is going on around me in slow motion.

How I so want to skip to the next chapter,

but I'm scratched

from the way people have been handling me lately.

Gotta turn myself off to start all over again

before i deteriorate.

My Hospital Song

Going through a transition, a message escaped from the sounds of a cd...well, more like relativity in its own perspective.
While in the hospital, my stepsister, Melissa handed me a cd.
"I hope you like Jack Johnson", she said.
I actually do. I was thrilled to have his new cd, simply because i always considered him mellow and comforting, and these were two things i needed at this moment...
And then I listened to the first song...and the lyrics jumped out at me. This song was the soundtrack to everything that was happening "all at once"...my theme song...because in truth, I really thought i was going to die...
and these are the words that describes everything i was feeling in those horrific moments...
"All at once
the world can't overwhelm me
There's almost nothin' that you could tell me
that could ease my mind
Which way will you run?
When it's always all around you
and the feelin' lost and found you again
A feelin'that we have no control
Around the sun

Some say
it's gonna be
The new hell
Some say
It's still too early to tell
Some sayIt really
Ain't no myth at all
We keep asking ourselves
Are we reallyStrong enough?
There's so many things
That we got too proud of
I wanna take the preconceived
Out from underneath your feet
We could shake it off
and instead we'll plant some seeds
We'll watch them as they grow
And with each new beat
From your heart
The roots grow deeper
The branches
well they reach for what?
Nobody really knows
But underneath it all
There's this heart
All alone
What about when it's gone?
And it really won't be so long
Sometimes it feels like a heart
Is no place to be singin' from at all
There's a world we've never seen
There's still hope between the dreams
The weight of it all
Could blow away with a breeze
But if your waitin on the wind
Don't forget to breathe
because as the darkness
Gets deeper
We're sinking
so we reach for love
At least something

We could hold
But i'll reach to you
From where time just can't go
What about when it's gone
And it really won't be so long
Sometimes it feels like a heart
Is no place to be singingFrom at all"
............................................Jack Johnson

It Took Over...

April 29, 2008

The cancer: it began to control my life, and move me into places i didn't want to be, both mentally and environmentaly. My brain is still cloudy, but not as bad as it was when I was tryng to gain the control.

I succumbed by force..

It was months of denial, because there was too much else going on in my life to worry about such petty things as my health. i tried to take care of it, hoping it would be a quick cure. and when i found out how complicated it just may be, I didn't want to accept the reality. Besides, my main focus was my heart: my longing, my desire, my happiness...Simply because i was holding on so hard to determination.

When it finally came closer, i was deteriorating inside and outside. But I was there. In the same state, even if i was 30 miles away. Still, i was closer. So close...and then, the fog swept through, and everything that was preventing us from getting together: his mother, my health, his concern, and finally, my mother : began taking over and forcing me to do things i didn't want to do, but when I realised even the wrong way was the right way, I had to go there.

Now, I'm far from him again - with no clear outlook on the future - except that we vow to be together -
i'm living on a vow - and it hurts,
once again...

By the time I reached Alabama, the stresses over the last few months had caught up. I made some choices, led by destiny, simple because my brain just couldn't think anymore.

And as to where I've been led:
I don't know what the fuck is going on with my life, and where I'm heading...and i can look back and say that I lived a life, but never completed, because, there's just no end to this...I just need to hold on so i can get there again....mentally stonger.

i have lost so much, gaining nothing but memories, holding onto the good ones. and I don't want us to be a "memory" - I'm not ready for that, on both parts. i didn't fight so hard just to give up, even though, because of the cancer taking over, there was a time where i almost did. There was just too much to handle.

Now, i'm standing in a clearing - alone - surrounded by forests of trees. And i'm stuck...unable to move, and held down by my roots - each one pulling me into directions i don't want to go towards. I want to be free again - to run into the forest and see where i'll end up...to find him waiting for me...because I'm afraid that when i finally am free - it will be too late...

I don't know how to put myself first...This is all new to me...I just hope i know what i'm doing, and that i get to where i'm going. cause in the end, i don't want to feel that I wasted so much of my remaining life trying to attain something i can never have.

A few months ago, it was "No matter what it takes..." now, it's changed to "No matter how long it takes..."

100 days in Georgia, and it took that 100 to nearly kill me. Had i stayed longer, i would be dead. At least in Alabama I was given the perspective of how bad this could turn out to be...

My heart hurts, to add on to the pain of my ailments - my tears = the painkillers.

I believed the lesson was over. i had learned to appreciate and cherish the one thing most important to me. Now, all of a sudden there's something else i have to learn and accomplish before I can get there...and once i do, what next is there for me?

i have never loved like this...

and the shampoo i'm using smells like a 99cent store

Why It Sucks to be a Hospitalized Hairy Italian

april 23, 2008

Tapes, bandages, and other adhesives. Forget the iv's and the needle pricks. It's the pain of your hair ripping out of your skin that tops the cake - especially when either the nurses tell you to rip it off for fear of hurting you, or they do it themselves in the most unsubtle manor - unapologetically, of course. Hell, even the stronger than Morphine painkillers couldn't take away the agony of each hair ripping out, one by one....and really - no matter how fast or slow you pull, there is no avoiding the screaming.
I lost no hair in the chemo treatment, so far. It all came out, sticking to adhesives.

Let's Go with an Embarrasing Moment

It was the summer of 16. I was attending Summer school, and was forced to reunite with my middle school ememies. I had been spending a lot of my free time with my gay and lesbian friends - so, at this point, i was pretty much out and proud. I felt the same kind of hatred from these old peers, even in their silence, as it had been a few years since the taunting and tormenting. Still, i felt better than them, as I had grown in these years through self discovery, and I sensed their ignorance in all its superficiality. I was no longer the same person I was in middle school, and was hoping that this would be noticed. It was - but not in a good way.

I had written a note to one of my lesbian friends talking about a crush i had had on a boy. I lost the note, only to find out later, from my brother, that it was found and read, as I had outed myself (to my brother, as well as these kids)through words not meant for their eyes to read. Still, that didn't bother me. Like I said, I was out and proud...for the most part.

But, it was this one particular day that I wanted to crawl under a rock never to be seen by these people ever again:

I was running late for school, as my mother dropped me off at one of the gates. I had to walk through a field to get to my class, so I rushed through, hoping not to get in trouble for my tardiness. Although my entrance was noticed, the teacher said nothing, as I made my way to my desk in the front row. I sat there doing my work, when a smell began to permeate in my nose. I looked over at the girl next to me, the same one who stole my note, and thought she literally smelled like shit. The smell was getting worse as the time passed by, and i kept thinking of how bad this girl smelled, and that I was almost embarrassed for her, yet, thrilled at the thought that her superficial popularity could be ruined. A few minutes later, one of the boys, another asshole from my middle school, got out of his seat, and walked over to my desk.

"Excuse me", he said, "but I think you stepped in dog shit."

That couldn't be right. The smell couldn't possibly be coming from me. But, sure enough, I looked down at my shoe, and there it was, peeking out at me from the bottom, with blades of grass and all. I was mortified. I excused myself and went to the restroom. I could hear the muffled snickers as I left the room, especially from the stupid bitch sitting next to me.

I took of my shoe in the bathroom and washed the shit off. I didn't know how I was going to go back in that classroom, as I just wanted to leave and go home.

As I was heading back to class, i ran into my old band teacher - Mr. O'Farril - the same band teacher I had a huge crush on in 6th and 7th grade. I spoke with him for a bit, and began to feel a little better. After saying goodbye, it was at this moment, walking back to the room that I decided I would no longer care what people thought. Why should I? Especially these people. They weren't my friends, nor would they ever be. Once my classes were done I would never even see them again.

I walked in the classroom, as if it never happened, took my seat, and continued my work. This was probably the moment in my life where I developed apathy to the thoughts of others around me.

Pride (Excerpt from "Dilate")

A week later, after the Steve situation, the celebration of Gay Pride was in progression. I had never been to the parade, and decided to go this year. I didn't want to go alone, so I invited a co-worker of mine to watch the parade with me.

It was raining that day, and my friend never showed up. So, I waited for the parade to begin, as I sat on one of the lions at the New York City Public Library on 5th Avenue. The loud motors from the Dykes on Bikes sent chills up my body as the celebration began. I watched the cavalcade for a couple of hours, until I decided to walk down with the parade down to the village. I was wearing my "Nobody knows I'm gay" t-shirt, which caused many people in the crowd to make comments. I wasn't one to create attention to myself, but realized with this shirt, it was inevitable. All I could do was smile, even at the ridiculous responses of "We do now!"

On my way down, the parade stopped, and we all engaged in a moment of silence for those who had lost their lives to AIDS. I was standing behind a couple in front of me, holding each other in comfort. This brought tears to my eyes. Luckily, I was wearing sunglasses.

I stayed in the Village, until it was time to head onto to the clubs. First, I went to Champs for about an hour. I spotted a cute guy there who seemed to be cruising me, yet, never approached me.

Tired of that crowd, I decided to head over to Splash. Honestly, I don't know what possessed me to do this, as Splash was not one of my favorite places. I felt that it was a Superficial club/bar, and that if you didn't have a body, you were totally ignored. Still, I figured I wanted a change, and since it was close by, I decided to venture on over.

Five minutes into the club, the cute guy I was cruising walked in with his friends. I was sitting on a bar stool, close to the almost empty dance floor. He made his way over and started talking to me, telling me that he lived in Jersey, and was in town for the parade. He must not have been interested because he left shortly after. So I started thinking: Was it my voice? Was it my chipped tooth? My insecurities began getting the best of me….until I noticed I was being cruised again from someone a few feet away from me. He came over and introduced himself to me. His name was Andrew.

Andrew and I left the club and began walking downtown. We were getting to know each other. We got on the subject of movies, and the film "Babe" had come up. I had never seen this hyped up movie about a talking pig, so he invited me over to watch it. "This is different", I thought. I was so used to being invited over for sex, but never to watch a movie.

I laid in his arms, as we sat on the futon watching the film. Afterwards, he told me how much he loved my look, and told me that I reminded him of Andre Agassi – who I happen to look nothing like. We finally went to bed, and engaged in oral sex.

When we were finished, Andrew proceeded to tell me that since he's been here in the past year, he's had sex with over sixty men. He told me that he wasn't into relationships. "Great", I thought – 'cause I'm not into guys who are so sexually active. But, I felt myself developing a more serious attraction for him, so I figured 'What the fuck? We'll be fuck buddies.' I had never had one of those before, and i might as well experience it.

Two days later, after sex at his place, we went shopping. I had mentioned to him that I like to write, and that my forte' was writing poetry that bashed my ex-boyfriends.

"Well", he said, "I'm glad I'm not your boyfriend."

That was the moment I had to question what I was doing with him.

I didn't call him anymore after that. Nor did he try calling me.

Screwed (Excerpt from 'Dilate")

Summer of '96

I had met Steve at a party. I was volunteering to serve hors d'ouvres for a friend of mine at an independent film premiere engagement. I offered Steve the vegetables I had on my tray. He took a celery stick, dipped it in the onion dip and struck up a conversation with me. Before I left the party, I made sure to get his number. By then, he was drunk and couldn't keep his eyes open, yet, spoke clearly.

"You better call me", he said.

"Of course I will", I replied.

It was at this moment Marissa Tomei was trying to get through the crowd. I must have accidentally backed into her with my backpack, as she yelled "Excuse me!" and pushed me into Steve. I had encountered her earlier, and she wasn't friendly then either.

As for Steve, one might have said I was desperate. He was attractive in his own way, but not that I really could say. He was much taller than me, and had very bad posture, with his shoulders slightly hunched over, and a pot belly that protruded from his shirt. I wasn't very particular when it came to men. I had my share of just about everything.

The next day, I called him on a payphone to see if he wanted to meet me at Champs, a club I usually spent my weekends at to release the stress from the week before.

"I can't", he said, responding to my invitation. "I have a friend who's in town that I have to entertain."

Disappointed, I said my goodbyes and told him that I would call him tomorrow.

I went into the club, ordered my Rolling Rock, and sat down waiting for the music and the alcohol to pump into my system. The minute I started feeling it, I was up and dancing. I was the first one on the dance floor, which caused others to relieve me of my solo performance. I moved up on a platform, closer to the speaker. Minutes later, I noticed someone walking and staring up at me.
It was Steve.

I jumped off the platform and hugged him, so happy to see he gave up his plans to come and see me. He introduced me to his friend, Nick, and excused himself to go to the bathroom.

"You know, Steve really likes you,' said Nick. "He's been talking about you all night."

"But we just met last night," I replied.

"He's a great guy."

When Steve came back from the bathroom, he suggested that we go to the Boiler Room, which was a bar in the East Village. I wasn't fond of the suggested bar, as I had met a bad situation there. When I told this to Steve, he responded with "That's alright. I'll protect you. If we see the guy there, I'll kick his ass."

How could I say no?

We entered the Boiler Room as U2 was coming out of the speakers – not necessarily my choice of good music. We found a place in the back, and sat down. I looked around at the East Village gay crowd I never associated with. I felt like an outcast, and proud to be one. A pipe was passed to me, and I toked it. Something I never refused – Free weed!

I noticed that it was getting late, and told Steve that I had to get up early for work the next morning.

"Why don't we go to my place for a little while?" he suggested.

"For a little while," I replied.

When we got to Steve's apartment, he begged me to spend the night. I told him that I didn't have my work uniform, which consisted of a white dress shirt, black pants and black shoes. He said he had all of those things and would lend them to me, so I chose to stay.

"How old are you?" he asked me.

"Why do you want to know?" I replied.

He shrugged. "I'm twenty-seven."

"How old do you think I am?"

"I don't know. Twenty-three – twenty four?"

"Age is not important."

I had felt this because of past relationships that had used my age against me. I had been told many times that I was young and naïve. I did not want to deal with ageism any longer, so I chose not to tell him that I was twenty.

He wanted to have sex. I felt compelled to give him my speech.

"O.K. Here's the thing – I've been screwed over by so many guys since I've been here in New York, and I'm tired of it. Just once I would like to meet someone who could wait awhile before having sex."

"But I'm not one of those guys", he said. "I really like you. I want to wake up naked next to you. I want to be with you. And I have no intention of screwing you over."

"But you don't know me."

He kissed me, and I kissed him back, which led to our moment of physical pleasure, as we engaged in oral sex.

"There is one thing, though", he said, afterwards, as I lay in his arms. "I'm going through a break up."

This upset me. But he reassured me that he wanted to be with me, and not his ex.


I was late for work the next morning. He ironed the shirt while I showered. I put the pants on. He let me borrow a belt, in which I had to poke an extra hole in. The shoes – two sizes too big.

Two days later, I was again volunteering for the Gay and Lesbian film festival, updating the mailing list on the computer. Steve called me. It was his birthday, and he wanted to celebrate it with me.

"Well, what do you want to do?" I asked.

"I just want to chill out at my place."

I got off at two, and walked to his apartment.

We had sex, and then smoked a joint.

The phone rang. Steve answered it. It was his Freddie, his ex.

They argued for a bit, and when Steve got off the phone he explained to me that Freddie had been expecting to be with him on his birthday, and because Steve didn't call him, he went out to buy some cocaine, and got arrested in the process. The phone call was not to get Steve to bail him out of jail. It was to make him feel guilty because all he did was blame Steve for not being there.

For the next half hour, we talked about it.

"How dare he?" I criticized. "Putting all of the responsibility on you! How old is he?"

"He's thirty-two."

"Is he obsessive?"

"Yeah, and very insecure. That's why I'm here with you."

The next morning, we both got ready for work. He offered me a toke from his pipe. This was when I began to notice he was a pothead, which made me realize that I knew nothing about this person…and I was questioning whether or not I wanted to.

Steve didn't call me for four days, which was upsetting to me because we had made plans for a date two nights earlier. I had tried calling him, but he wasn't in, which, of course, fed into my obsessive insecurities. I wrote to pass the time, and to ease my mind, which didn't help much.

"I was with Freddie", he told me, when I finally got a hold of him.

"So are you two back together?" I asked, obviously upset.

"Kind of."

"And you'd rather be with him? When were you gonna call and tell me this, you fucking asshole!"

I hung up on him before he could say anything. I've always been one to get the last word out, and this would be mine…for the time being.


I was completely offended that he had left me hanging. I didn't know what to do with myself, or with the situation, but I knew that I could not possibly leave it alone. So, for the next few hours, I gathered up all my thoughts, and wrote them down on a piece of paper. I came to an idiotic conclusion that I at least wanted to remain on some sort of friendship level with him, I mean, after all, despite the hurt, I was still blinded by an infatuation that isn't ever easy to just get over, even if it was just a superficial infatuation. I called him back, reading him everything that I wrote, putting him in his place. In this conversation, I explained to him that I was hurt, and he apologized for hurting me, but said that he wanted to continue a friendship.


Three days later, I met him and went back to his apartment to pick up a couple of things I had left there.

"I'll be back", he said. "I'm going to take a shower."

He left the room. I sat down and questioned what the hell I was doing there. I know now that I was just holding out for hope. I went into my bag, and pulled out a poem I had written the night before.

He came back into the room, soaking wet, wearing nothing but a towel. In all his unattractiveness, I still thought about how I could never lay in his arms again, or even touch him. This depressed me. I handed him the poem and told him to read it. This is what he read:


I wanted you to glance at my mind
now that you have passed through my physical form
to look at my soul in a different point of view -
to enter my mind -
my thoughts
without my voice getting in the way.
Follow the ink stains – the pathway to my perception.
Does this whole situation change your attraction for me?
Have I lost the beauty your eyes once possessed for me?
Picture this:
Your greatest desire,
fitting in the palm of your hand –
perching itself in front of your eyes –
throwing comfort in your vision.
And you see all the beauty –
the glory-
the fulfillment that the majority of actual living has to offer you. Whatever this desire is, it is your longing;
your goal;
your satisfaction of breathing in all the air that fills your body.
It is the happiness that your eyes had been closed to – seen only behind the lids. And now – here it is, with a certain visibility.
But, then, all of a sudden, this thing of a monster
(I'd say it was a claw or something)
rips it all out of your palm,
covering it with darkness…
and this thing laughs in your face,
forcing you to sink lower and lower into the ground,
and you can no longer hold the weight this laughter is throwing upon you. Do you
Follow?
'cause I'm falling –
Grabbing at the pieces
as I'm falling fast
falling
further in
further into your eyes
pulling
grasping
throwing myself into you
Your depth
your sincerity:
Mirroring the image of myself;
My happiness;
My dreams murdered
Only to come alive
stronger
better
and this is where I'm proud to lose myself
In your eyes
falling
and further in
further into the days
I'm falling
falling
away from your vision
away from your grip
your strength
only because a distraction
put itself into your path
and let you go
dropping my bitter soul
onto the rocks
that claim my bitter presence
But not to worry
I'm not far from your grasp
because if you ever reach again,
this time I'll make sure I won't let go
…And the funny thing is, everytime I believe – everytime my hopes rise – I get shot. And I fall into this deep hole. Every now and then a hand begins to pull me out, but, then, it drops me back in, and I fall deeper…
The deeper in, the shorter the arms.
It takes words from other people to pull the wool away from my eyes
But keep yours where it is.
You're better off that way.
And if I were to say FUCK YOU,
would you understand the true meaning behind it?
Or would you think I was a bitter and complex soul?
Nonetheless, I don't need to justify anymore of my anger.
I now know the answer.
I just had to get my heart back.
But I don't want it.
Why do you think I gave it to you in the first place, fucker?!
I understand, though.
It was burning a hole in your hand.
Well, at least your ex is carrying the bandages
that I couldn't afford.

When he was done reading, Steve looked up from the paper, and said, "Freddie is not a monster."

I looked at him in complete disbelief, almost as if I was shooting daggers at him through my eyes.

"That's not what I was talking about!" I exclaimed. "It was a fucking metaphor!"

He then told me that he didn't understand what I was trying to say. This upset me even more, as I realized I wasted these words on someone who would never get me.

"You lied to me! You said you wanted to be with me!"

"You don't even know me. Besides, I was with Freddie for three months. I've only known you for a week…"

His voice trailed off as I started cursing him in my head. I vowed I would never speak to him again.


Four years later, I ran into Steve in a bar. He was drunk, of course.

"Sean!" he was happy to see me. "Wow! I've been thinking about you all these years. Here's my number," he handed me his card. "Give me a call."

Of course, I was courteous, but distant at the same time.

I ripped up the card and threw it away.

The Lady at the Smoke Shop II

May 28, 2007

(more quips from the vicadin addicted Christian lady)

after telling me of a recipe for a margarita grilled chicken, she says "You could impress your girlfriend...or..." (and just when I think she's going to say boyfriend)..."the girl you want to be your girlfriend".

(Still, she's clueless after the other day when she asked about my new phone, and my friend blurts out "He's got a Sugar Daddy!")

And then on friday...

As the excorcist theme is coming out of my phone...

"That music is evil. That's Satan trying to get to you and overpower my Christian music."
(Any other christian pushing person, i would despise...but I like her because she's a character...not the kind of person you meet on a daily basis....with her missing teeth, and constant eating, and/or listening to Christian music...which, if i'm lucky enough to get to the computer before her, I overpower her music by playing my satanic shit..."And this is what the devil does...")

Friday, May 23, 2008

The Lady and the Dog

5-17-07

So, I'm walking through my neighborhood and I see this big white dog coming towards me. The owner was trying to get his attention, but, clearly, he wasn't listening. I'd say the breed was a big, long haired, fat as fuck dog.

"Don't worry" said the lady, "he won't attack."

She went on to tell me that it was her son's dog, and he had just recently died, leaving it to her. She asked me if I wanted a dog. i told her I couldn't take it. Then, she went on to tell me that her son died of a head injury, but I didn't inquire anymore information. I tried to leave, but everytime I walked away, the dog would follow me. So, i had to stay until she got food to lure it back in the house.

I heard her call out "Thank you!" as I was walking away, thinking that I must have reminded the dog of his original owner. I wish I could say that this would have turned into one of those sappy novels where I became a replacement of company to the dog and the woman, but I'm just not that kind of person. Maybe, though, i'll write that novel.

The Lady at the smoke shop

So, there's this lady at the smoke shop that i've been getting to know. Tony - a vicadin-addicted, smoking, Christian woman. She's as sweet as sweet can be, always giving me food, discounts, and letting me stay on the puter as long as I want without charging.

So, today she overhears me leaving a message to my man, and says to me..she says:

"Sean, do you have a girlfriend I don't know about?"

"No", i replied, which of course, isn't a lie.

"Oh, 'cause i heard you say 'Hey baby' and I'm thinkin' 'I know Sean doesn't have a girlfriend because he would have told me!'"

poor clueless Tony.

i mean, it's not like she's never seen the beautiful pictures i had printed up of my baby.

head vs. heart

5-7-07

Head vs. Heart = Florida vs. Georgia
*Remixed by Overpowering Obsession*

Okay – New dilemma….here's my thing: I am a Virgo, which means that I tend to think more with my heart than my head, so I may need to hear words from other people pertaining to my situation.


I have definitely made up my mind that I am leaving the Crapalope Valley (also known as the AV), yet, my heart is torn on specific matters that make me question what I know is right, but what I really want.
For those reading this, I can only assume you know about Nick and I – and if you don't, you can check out my page once again, for it is all there in blue and red (and brown and yellow). It has already been established that he is the love of my life, so we don't need to mention again that he most definitely is the love of my life, or that we are engaged, or even that I happen to be the luckiest man in the world for finding someone so wonderful who just happens to be the love of my life.
Anyway – I'm trailing off from the subject matter (See what this guy does to me? I just can't get him out of my head!) Going on:
So, Nick and I are 2,000 miles apart from each other, which, of course, is a torturing circumstance to be in, especially when you know you want nothing more in the world to be with that person everyday for the rest of your life until the day you die…
Now, if I move to Florida, Nick will only be 630 miles from me – which, of course, is closer – but not close enough.
So – here was my plan:
I would be moving back to Florida to live with my mother for a few months, in order for me to get out of debt, buy a car, and save up to move to Atlanta, GA – no sooner than Nov 1st, but no later than Jan. 1st. Good plan, right? Yeah, it sounds good – only:
Despite the fact that Nick makes me truly happy, and is the best thing to ever happen to me, this distance is absolute torture because, again, I want nothing more than to be by his side. Now, Patience and I have never really gotten along, and I'm doing everything I can not to kick her ass, because even though it is all for the better, Patience is probably one of the biggest bitches I know – next to my loving mother, of course.
So, I can wait the six or so long agonizing months in order for Nick and I to have a stable, secure and healthy relationship by following what my head is telling me to do…
Or follow my heart and get to Nick as soon as possible, by skipping the whole Florida thing, and moving directly to Georgia, where I'd only be 250 miles away from Nick, and start establishing a place of living for the both of us. (Meanwhile trying to get out of debt and saving to buy a car, which would be harder if I'm paying rent…)
Obviously, I know what is best for me – and the smarter decision to make, so could someone please tell me how to have patience with Patience???

Self portrait 2007

May 6, 2007

Like a natural disaster,
my life flows in spontaneity.
Everything seems calm on the outside,
but the winds of anticipation
are an internal force to be reckoned with.
I make choices based on impulse
and live with the consequences in the aftermath.
I have caused destruction,
ruining those who have tried to ruin me.
My cloud now flows freely
as I wait to collide with him,
-True love in an electrical field –
forming the sparks
that will indent the ground
with our passion –
our love -
leaving
an eternal landmark
to prove that I exist –
that We exist –
and that our love x 2
is infinite.

just a daily rambling

April 30, 2007

I don't wanna go to work today.

I don't wanna do anything, except talk to my baby.

i don't wanna be here anymore - I'm ready to go.

I don't wanna be so far from the man I love anymore.

I wish i could just give up everything here and go, but, unfortunately, logic, rationale, and common sense are putting up the barriers in this situation, and I have to form an ally with patience in order to maintain a healthy relationship for my future...

Phucking Psycho! ( A Vent )

4-26-07

All those years,
you tried to make me think I was insane.
And I started to believe you.
Went to therapy for you. (your solution to everything)
Took drugs for you –
Because you made me think I had to be a better person.
But, in truth – you are the fucking psycho!!!!
And I hope you find this, too, you son of a bitch!

Full Circle

April 24, 2007


I recently had an offer to move back "home" Florida, and I'm trying to weigh the Pro's and Cons of the situation, but it seems like my overpowering pride is getting the best of me. So, let me know what you think:


Pro's:

Rent free. I can catch up on all the things I've fallen behind on, like bills, saving money for a car, moving wherever I want, etc.

I'd be 9 hours away from my fiance' and would be able to visit him anytime I want – especially with it being cheaper. Whether driving or flying…

There's a large theatre community – so I can continue in building up my resume.

I'd be closer to some friends that I have out there, including my best friend, Andrea.

I hate Palmdale. I hate Florida, too, but I think Palmdale is worse.

My mother has MS, and she could use my help, as well as company. She also stated that it would not be a permanent situation, as she knows about Nick and our goals.

I'd be able to transfer to the Chili's right by my house.

Con's:

Pride: I'd be a 31 year old man living with his mother – even if it is temporary.

I would hate to run into anyone from my childhood, having them think that I couldn't "hack" it out there in the real world. (As much as I don't give a fuck about what people think, I was told that I would never "make it" and that I'd be back, so I wouldn't want to have proven anyone right.)

I hate Florida.

I would hate to feel stuck, because I know how moving can be extremely difficult, and I wouldn't want to get too comfortable – grant it, Nick and I would be working towards the goal of living together – somewhere outside of Florida and Alabama.

I left a long time ago, vowing I would never go back.

It's the "easy way out".

I've grown to like L.A. and the fact that there's so much to do, and I haven't done it all yet.

People in Florida just don't get me. Never did.

The Green That Is No More

April 7, 2007

I'm starting to abhor my glasses.

They hide the window to the soul that you see through my eyes.

They hide the colour that has recieved so much attention, and now goes overlooked.

They hide me.

For Now

april 7, 2007

"Each Time you smile,
it'll only last awhile"

Justice is slowly coming back to life. I'm almost there. No more downward spiral, as i'm climbing back up the ladder. It won't be much longer until I finally reach the best of me.

"Everything in life is only 'for now'"

(Quotes raken from Avenue Q)

I Can Do better Than That

April 4, 2007



Single Life.
Haven't really been here in quite a long time, I've almost forgotten what it's like...

The only difference is - I was 19, and constantly searching for someone to love me...or better yet, always looking for someone to love, but suffering through rejection after rejection...never thinking it possible that someone could make me happy...looking back on my poetry written then, i realise that I was naive - ignorant to the possibilities of true love.

but then I found someone who loved me...only, I couldn't make them happy, no matter how hard I tried, and in the end, it felt like there was no love left - as it wasn't made clear until after the demise of the love that actually existed. but, by then, it was too late. He didn't need someone like me. I was wrong for him. All wrong.

Twelve years later - I am no longer naive, no longer desperate, and at the same time, my faith in true love is still questioning - because, in all honesty - how do we know when it's right?

"Love is like taking the hand
from a man you just met on the street
You don't know what he's about,
and he walks to his own beat.
And he takes you on a journey
that you can't really define.
But you know it might be worth it,
you know it's not a waste of your time.
Love is like diving into an ocean
that is certainly too deep
To feel, the sand in your toes,
and the bottoms of your feet
But for, some strange reason
you stay cold and wet
'Cause you know deep down
that you haven't seen, the best of it yet
And all the while you wonder...
Is this right?
How do we knowIf we never been here before?I
s this right,
how do we know?
Should we take a chance tonight,
Should I be sitting by your side,
for the rest of your life?Is this right?
how do we know?
How do we know?
Love is like jumping from the top
of the highest mountain
Just to feel the freedom of no boundaries
and the wind in your hair
And you fly on and on,
you fly up to the moon
'Cause this freedom will bring you ecstasy,
and you know you're gonna feel it soon
And all the while you wonder...
All I had to do is paint a picture of you in my mind
And I held on tight
Just one look at you
I know everything's gonna be all right
And so I'm ready this time."

Toby Lightman "Is This right?"

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Daze Go By

April 4, 2007

"Do you want everything in your sandwich?" The lady behind the counter asked me.

"What is everything?" I asked back.

I wasn't listening, as I answered "Sure" when she was done listing the ingredients.

I sat at my table, opened up my sandwich, and pulled out the pepperocini, onions, tomato, and pickles, putting them to the side...and then had to look through all the lettuce to remember that I had ordered a Chicken Salad Sandwich

Let Me Share My Life with You For the Next Ten Minutes

April 2, 2007


This is the story of my exes. Aristophanes and Socrates is what I shall call them in order to protect their innocense.

Aristophanes: Long Distance relationship. Lived in Minnesota. Lasted 7 months. I ended it for many reasons, because in those 7 months, I realised that this was not the person I wanted to be with - us being so opposite and all. I guess the first time it hit was when he admitted to not wanting to adopt children because Bush said gays can't adopt. Nice to be influenced by a political leader. I wonder what that's like. The second time was when he stated that Halle Berry can take her Oscar and shove it up her ass, all because of her acceptance speech. Apparently, he was so angered by it that it put him in a bad mood for the day. I knew, then, it would never work out between us.

Socrates: Spent five years together, until i realised that I didn't want to spend another five years with him. thus, the end was created. I was not the person he needed to be with, and I would never become that person. So, I set out to find the me that I lost, in hopes that i not only could make myself happy, but someone else, because I never did seem to make him happy.

So - I find Aristophanes on MySpace and apologize for our demise. He says that five years is a long time to hold a grudge, and that i was forgiven - hoping that we can be friends again. So, I took this as an invitation, and explained to him about what had happened to me in the last five years, also adding him as a friend on MySpace. We were writing back and forth, until I admitted to Socrates that I got back in contact with Aristophanes.

Socrates, then, felt compelled to also contact Aristophanes. I have no clue what was said, but, I did notice that Aristophanes took himself off of my friend list. So, i confronted Socrates about this, and he told me that Aristophanes had forwarded all the emails I sent to Socrates. Also - Aristophanes, said that I was once again tugging at his strings, and hinting that I wanted to get back together with him. This, of course, wasn't true, But it was so typical of Aristophanes to create such thoughts, believe them, and then not listen to the actual truth. I was confiding in him as a friend, of course, not even thinking that he would turn around and "betray" me.

Now, i come to find out that Aristophanes has added Socrates, to his friend list, putting him on his top list - almost as if they are in "cahoots", as they share anictdotes of the relationships....and that Aristophanes is planning on visiting L.A. to hang with Socrates.

This is a reason i have lost trust....it's almost as if, no matter who Socrates contacts, they gravitate to him, and I lose friends i thought i had. I'm really not that horrible of a person. but, goddamit, people are sure doing their best to make me feel that way...

but, i guess when you're as manipulative as Socrates is/was, you could win anyone over...Too bad my family didn't have a manipulative gene to pass on to me...

The Harder They Fall

April 1, 2007

"I am a good person.
I'm an attractive person.
I am a talented person.
Grant me Grace."
Cathy Wellerstein
"The Last Five Years"

I guess it's everything in between the lines that matters.
I will not change for anyone, and don't expect anyone to change for me.
Never have.
I guess it's the fact that I was expected to change so many things about what I did, that I lost who I truly was...

"And I spend every day reconfiguring my senses"...

Pointless

March 30, 2007

South Florida

South Bronx

Southern California

i think I'm starting to see a pattern here.
I guess the final 3rd is where I'm meant to live the rest of my life.

31

March 30, 2007


this year, so far, has brought so many new things -
life changes, discoveries, etc.
Half of my 31st year has gone by, with so much drama -
exciting enough to write a book about.
Of course, it would be more entertaining for me if I wasn't the one living it.
Still, i am...living...and I take everything and turn it into a lesson, in which I hope to learn something from.
Every day is a new adventure....

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Trust

March 29, 2007

It's funny how life takes away trust.

I took it away from my last relationship,
and in turn, it was taken away from me.

I always trusted too many, too soon,
but have now realised that you cannot
trust anyone until proven trustworthy.

Lost Soul

March 26, 2007

Life constantly changes with the unexpected,
and I take the unexpected,
due to the dislike of routine.
Yet, at this point,
everyday is falling into the same...
my day has just started -
who knows what today will bring?
Feeling lost, hopeless, and alone,
I still strive on what will happen
in the coming days...
because, eventually,
the pieces will fall into place
until I undo
the puzzle of my life
once again.

If It's Not Broke, Don't Fix It...

March 23, 2007

A lot of things happening in my life - like starting over...never quite satisfying when you know you have to start over from scratch - literally.
Although, things have been looking up, there's still no perfection in my future. But is there ever any? I've got to stop taking the negative approach in life. There was a time in my life where I felt positive about things - many things...but lately, it's hard to see such positivity when you're on a downward spiral.
I have hit the bottom, with no cushion for my fall...but with all this extra padding on my ass, I have bounced back up an inch or two...still, I'm grounded and waiting, once again for the wind to pick me up.
I have realised that people who say they are your friends, sometimes, really aren't, especially out here in the Antelope Valley, and those who I never even considered can be the best people. So I'm cutting out the negativity, and eliminating all those superficial, phony people from my life. Really, i don't need them, because i really can't be brought down any further, since there's nowhere else to go.
i've been told that I'm the alienator, when in truth I'm the one who's been alienated. When there are two sides to every story, everyone always has to pick a side, don't they? No such thing as nuetral...
But in the now, it is time for ME, and I will get by no matter how hard life gets, because, to be honest, it really can't get much worse.