The Worst feeling in the world

Constipation.

I believe I now know what it feels like to actually have a baby.

Life Provided by Technology

If I died tomorrow, who would really miss me...or notice, for that matter? (It's kind of rhetorical, as I actually know the answer to this)
I'm not looking for a pity party here, because God knows I'm really not a party person. But I can't help how unimportant I feel in this life. I know I mean something to a few people, but I don't see those people. One of those happens to be the Love of my life, who I talk to everyday, but, unfortunately, he's not physically around...so...literally, I am alone.
I'm not a Facebook or My Space whore, and the majority of friends on those lists don't even acknowledge me (some of them are just "keep in touch after 10 years - oh, that's what you're doing now? Cool, see ya in another ten" friends - and that's not on my part. I send messages and don't get responses...), so my popularity level has definitely diminished since my high school days.
I used to be an attention whore when i was younger...something i outgrew as I experienced life...and now, I feel like I have to beg people for attention - asking them to read my blogs, 'cause otherwise, these blogs will gather dust - which they seem to be doing. I'm not saying that I want attention, but I am saying that sometimes the lack of attention makes me feel like I don't exist.
In my current state, I'm alone, I'm bored, I'm depressed. I have nothing that I want, with the exception of someone who truly loves me as I do him, but even that is compromised with 630 miles in between us.
And all I can do is wait. Wait for life to start. Wait for my health to get better. Wait for us to come together as one...
But what happens if I die in that waiting? Then I will have spent my remaining days waiting...and no one knows or cares...
I guess this all stems from the One person who can actually make me feel alive only makes me feel alive on a cellphone...

The Joys of Chemo

It's been a long day...sitting in a chair with an iv full of pink stuff being pumped into my veins. I actually fell asleep before realising that I was there a lot longer than i had anticipated. My poor father. By the time we got out of the dr.'s office, I could sense he was a bit agitated and in a bad mood, which is a rarity, since my father is usually a jolly old man.

Anyway, out of boredom, and vanity, i snapped a few pics before falling asleep...


I really need to learn to start taking pictures of other people.

What's so Ugly about south Florida?

Can I just tell you how much I hate the people that reside in South Florida? I grew up here, and it never was like this...and then the migration happened...

I was taught courtesy. That's what they teach you growing up in the suburbs; saying Thank you if someone does something for you, or holding open a door for someone who's right behind you. Where did all that go? just twice last week those things happened to me. I was walking into a building, and was right behind some guy. He opened the door and let it close on me. Then the next day, I blatantly hold the door open for some woman. I didn't have to, as she was a few feet away. Still, I was being courteous. She says nothing. What? Does she think I owe her something?

And don't get me started on the Wal-Mart crowd - so preoccupied on their cellphones that they can't watch where they're going...or even the people who take their time walking in the middle of a parking lot, not getting out of the way for the car that's right behind them...

I wanna know - what happened in the thirteen years that i had been gone? I really don't want to make it a culture thing, but, it looks as though it is - since the 'people of color" are the majority down here, (Cubans, Haitians, Dominicans, Jamaicans, etc.) this is who i find doing most of this shit. I'm not trying to sound racist - but spend a day shopping in my hometown, and you'll see what i'm talking about. Fuckin' rude motherfuckers...

And I'm not going to leave white people out of it, because they can't drive for shit. They can see you with your signal trying to get in their lane, but they won't slow down or speed up to let you in...no...they purposely keep you out of the lane you need to be in...And then there are the assholes on their cellphones who'd sooner get into a car accident than tell the person they're talking to that they'd call them back when they got to less traffic.

and I really thought Palmdale, Ca was bad...

Fuckin' A...

My dr. finally gives me a perscription for some heavy duty kick ass painkillers, and the hospital, in which I get my medicine from does not carry this kind of medication. I was told that unless my medicaid kicks in, i will have to go to a regular pharmacy and pay for it out of pocket. I would, too - if I had the money.
What's the point in having a painful almost terminal illness when you can't get the really good shit???
Then again, I'm in the state of Florida, where nothing ever goes right...

Lack of...

Sometimes he frustrates me. But, that's because I'm selfish. I can't help it if I want to spend every waking moment on the phone with him, nor can i help getting frustrated when he passes out in the middle of a conversation...especially a conversation about us. His words are the only thing that keep me going.
I don't have much of anything else.

Caged

I think I'm going crazy.

I had a slightly interesting life - for being a homebody. What the hell happened?

At present i feel like ripping the hair out of my head just to know that I am alive. My discomfort is caused by the leaking tumors that prevent me from being physically normal. It itches like crazy, and the more I scratch it, it's as if I'm opening up the Hoover Dam. Just the other day, before i was getting into the shower, i looked down at the tile floor to see that i had been dripping blood. I hadn't dripped blood like this since before the hospital. I'm so ready to be normal again, but I have to be patient in the slow process of tumor shrinkage.

Then there's the mental discomfort - which probably overpowers the physical...and where do i start?
I have no control over my life or anything I want to do. It seems that my only freedom is here on this computer. I'm living with a very controlling mother, and even though it's not mean-spirited, as it comes of nature for her, her "control" is working up my nerves. I cannot even make my own decisions on many things. Hell, I'm not even aloud to drive, as she won't let me, because she thinks that these tumors are going to effect whether or not i get into an accident.

My depressive state is also taking its own control, as i am in the "I just want to disappear" phase. The thing is, I have disappeared. I am confined to this bedroom, and choose when i want to talk to my friends.

I feel as I always feel when i go through a depression - unworthy of love. Just tonight, I wanted to hang up with my boyfriend because I didn't want to put him through the misery of having to deal with me in my depressive state. And that's the part of me that doesn't want to talk to him tonight. But, there's that other part that wants nothing more than to be with him, even if it's only on the phone.

And that's another thing. I am so tired of missing him. I want to see him, and would give up everything to do so...but then he makes a statement about how it would be better that we save our money so that we can finally be together as opposed to spending money just to see each other for just a few days. And this is where my brain starts to go crazy.

My head and my heart have been in a constant war for quite some time now - couldn't even tell you who's winning, but i can tell you that I'm rooting for my heart. A few times, though, my heart has almost thrown up the white flag.

So - my life is at a stand still. I'm frozen. And what pisses me off is that I have no idea when it will start again...but I am so fucking tired of being in this state.

Patience really is a bitch!