Stepmother

Driving me home from the Doctor's, my StepMother asks me if i'm staying in Florida. I tell her i'm not, which she starts going on a big lecture about how I should stay in Florida, as well as finding God. After I've given her every excuse to respond to, I finally stated:

"I'm also in a relationship."

SM: "Oh, see, I'm kinda hoping you'll get out of that."

Me: 'I don't wanna get out of that."

SM: "That's something I've been praying for for years. That you won't be like that anymore and that you'll meet the right woman."

Me: "I'm not attracted to women. I've never been attracted to women."

SM: "But you could be."

me: "No, I couldn't"

SM: "You're Uncle did it." (referring to my Great Uncle who gave up the homosexual lifestyle and married a woman.)

Me: "That was his choice! I'm not gonna choose to be with a woman to make everyone else happy so that I can be miserable!"

SM; "But you could be happy."

Me: "No, I..."

SM: "But that sexual part of your life is over, isn't it?"

Me: "What do you mean?"

SM: "In your condition...you can no longer have sex."

Me: "Um, yes I can. It's called Safe Sex."

SM: "Oh...I thought you couldn't have sex anymore."

And that's where the conversation ended.
Don't you just love Ignorance?!
I guess this is the reason I don't want my Father involved in that part of my life. I'm tired of them hoping that I'll "change" instead of trying to Understand me.
And this is why my Father and I will never have that close relationship that he longs for.

Fuck It!

With Bruce, it was my dancing.

With Anthony, it was my acting.

With Nick, it's my writing.

I will never accomplish anything.

Fuck it. No one reads my shit anyway.

Optimistically Challenged

Yeah, it's official. I am depressed.
i don't want to get out of bed.
I don't want to do anything.
All I really want to do is sleep, because at least my dreams are more interesting than my life at this point.
The only thing I have to look forward to is unfortunately far away, with no set time or date as to when it will actually happen.
I'm crying all the time.
My insecurities are taking over my mind, and seems to be getting worse as each day passes.
I have nothing going for me, as I've failed in life, and don't see any accomplishments in my near future...even though there HAS to be SOME reason why I didn't die a few months ago.
I'd say Life sucks right now, but I can't, because i don't have one.

What happened to Me?

I had so much going for me in my life. I never jumped on opportunity, and I let destiny guide me.
So, why the fuck did she lead me here? As if she took me for a ride and dropped me off in the middle of nowhere.
There must be a greater plan for me somewhere, because to be honest, with the way my life is going...or shall I say, NOT going...I should have been dead a few months ago.

I Always wanted to be a Movie Star

But thanks to life, and my ex, that goal has died. all my life, I had that imaginary camera following my every move - to capture the interesting moments happening in my life. I led myself into an imaginary world where i was the star...and then I grew up.
Life does take an unexpected turn in the long run. I left Florida to pursue a career on Broadway. That never happened. But what did happen were my many different stints in small theatre, as well as extra work in small independent films, not to mention the one film where I had a total of three lines that gave me a credit on imdb.
Then, i got involved with another actor, whose spotlight could never be taken off of him. He told me that I didn't have what it took to make it in the professional business, simply because I was unsociable or an anti-asskisser...and that was in the first couple months we had met. He did get me a recurring job in Children's Theatre that paid not only in cash, but also in his criticism. Performing onstage with him always made me nervous, because i always felt like he was judging me, ready to cut down anything I do that doesn't satisfy his acting eye. It was a lot of pressure for me, but still, I manged to stay with the company for two years before he decided he was ready to leave New York and pursue his acting career in L.A. I, personally, was not ready to leave New York, but when you're in a committed relationship, you follow the one you love..or think you love.
We didn't exactly move to L.A. It was actually 1 hour north in a town called Palmdale, and turned out to be a semi-small town of about 30,000 with a large Conservative Community. After a few months, while he was commuting down to L.A., doing student films and other unpaid work, I was getting involved in Community theatre, snagging the lead in the first musical I auditioned for. I was a hit. People were amazed and impressed by my talents. That didn't last long, because the next show i auditioned for, they were desperate for men, so I asked Anthony to audition, and once that happened, he got the lead, and I was forgotten about.
A year later, Wicked was coming to L.A., and they were holding auditions. I was psyched and ready to go. The day before, however, Anthony told me not to get my hopes up. This brought me to tears, as it helped discourage me. Despite his negativity, i still went to the audition. I didn't get in.
That was the last time i auditioned for anything professional.
Now, I've come to the realization that an acting career of any sort is not going to happen. Still, the passion for performing is there. That will never die, no matter how many times I try to pull away from it. Still it hurts to know that everything I worked for in my youth was destroyed, by my lack of motivation, focusing my goal in the wrong direction, and the fact that i let others persuade me into thinking i wasn't good enough.
Hollywood will never happen. Broadway will never happen. But, hopefully, someday, I will happen.