I think I'm going crazy.
I had a slightly interesting life - for being a homebody. What the hell happened?
At present i feel like ripping the hair out of my head just to know that I am alive. My discomfort is caused by the leaking tumors that prevent me from being physically normal. It itches like crazy, and the more I scratch it, it's as if I'm opening up the Hoover Dam. Just the other day, before i was getting into the shower, i looked down at the tile floor to see that i had been dripping blood. I hadn't dripped blood like this since before the hospital. I'm so ready to be normal again, but I have to be patient in the slow process of tumor shrinkage.
Then there's the mental discomfort - which probably overpowers the physical...and where do i start?
I have no control over my life or anything I want to do. It seems that my only freedom is here on this computer. I'm living with a very controlling mother, and even though it's not mean-spirited, as it comes of nature for her, her "control" is working up my nerves. I cannot even make my own decisions on many things. Hell, I'm not even aloud to drive, as she won't let me, because she thinks that these tumors are going to effect whether or not i get into an accident.
My depressive state is also taking its own control, as i am in the "I just want to disappear" phase. The thing is, I have disappeared. I am confined to this bedroom, and choose when i want to talk to my friends.
I feel as I always feel when i go through a depression - unworthy of love. Just tonight, I wanted to hang up with my boyfriend because I didn't want to put him through the misery of having to deal with me in my depressive state. And that's the part of me that doesn't want to talk to him tonight. But, there's that other part that wants nothing more than to be with him, even if it's only on the phone.
And that's another thing. I am so tired of missing him. I want to see him, and would give up everything to do so...but then he makes a statement about how it would be better that we save our money so that we can finally be together as opposed to spending money just to see each other for just a few days. And this is where my brain starts to go crazy.
My head and my heart have been in a constant war for quite some time now - couldn't even tell you who's winning, but i can tell you that I'm rooting for my heart. A few times, though, my heart has almost thrown up the white flag.
So - my life is at a stand still. I'm frozen. And what pisses me off is that I have no idea when it will start again...but I am so fucking tired of being in this state.
Patience really is a bitch!
I had a slightly interesting life - for being a homebody. What the hell happened?
At present i feel like ripping the hair out of my head just to know that I am alive. My discomfort is caused by the leaking tumors that prevent me from being physically normal. It itches like crazy, and the more I scratch it, it's as if I'm opening up the Hoover Dam. Just the other day, before i was getting into the shower, i looked down at the tile floor to see that i had been dripping blood. I hadn't dripped blood like this since before the hospital. I'm so ready to be normal again, but I have to be patient in the slow process of tumor shrinkage.
Then there's the mental discomfort - which probably overpowers the physical...and where do i start?
I have no control over my life or anything I want to do. It seems that my only freedom is here on this computer. I'm living with a very controlling mother, and even though it's not mean-spirited, as it comes of nature for her, her "control" is working up my nerves. I cannot even make my own decisions on many things. Hell, I'm not even aloud to drive, as she won't let me, because she thinks that these tumors are going to effect whether or not i get into an accident.
My depressive state is also taking its own control, as i am in the "I just want to disappear" phase. The thing is, I have disappeared. I am confined to this bedroom, and choose when i want to talk to my friends.
I feel as I always feel when i go through a depression - unworthy of love. Just tonight, I wanted to hang up with my boyfriend because I didn't want to put him through the misery of having to deal with me in my depressive state. And that's the part of me that doesn't want to talk to him tonight. But, there's that other part that wants nothing more than to be with him, even if it's only on the phone.
And that's another thing. I am so tired of missing him. I want to see him, and would give up everything to do so...but then he makes a statement about how it would be better that we save our money so that we can finally be together as opposed to spending money just to see each other for just a few days. And this is where my brain starts to go crazy.
My head and my heart have been in a constant war for quite some time now - couldn't even tell you who's winning, but i can tell you that I'm rooting for my heart. A few times, though, my heart has almost thrown up the white flag.
So - my life is at a stand still. I'm frozen. And what pisses me off is that I have no idea when it will start again...but I am so fucking tired of being in this state.
Patience really is a bitch!
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