It Took Over...

April 29, 2008

The cancer: it began to control my life, and move me into places i didn't want to be, both mentally and environmentaly. My brain is still cloudy, but not as bad as it was when I was tryng to gain the control.

I succumbed by force..

It was months of denial, because there was too much else going on in my life to worry about such petty things as my health. i tried to take care of it, hoping it would be a quick cure. and when i found out how complicated it just may be, I didn't want to accept the reality. Besides, my main focus was my heart: my longing, my desire, my happiness...Simply because i was holding on so hard to determination.

When it finally came closer, i was deteriorating inside and outside. But I was there. In the same state, even if i was 30 miles away. Still, i was closer. So close...and then, the fog swept through, and everything that was preventing us from getting together: his mother, my health, his concern, and finally, my mother : began taking over and forcing me to do things i didn't want to do, but when I realised even the wrong way was the right way, I had to go there.

Now, I'm far from him again - with no clear outlook on the future - except that we vow to be together -
i'm living on a vow - and it hurts,
once again...

By the time I reached Alabama, the stresses over the last few months had caught up. I made some choices, led by destiny, simple because my brain just couldn't think anymore.

And as to where I've been led:
I don't know what the fuck is going on with my life, and where I'm heading...and i can look back and say that I lived a life, but never completed, because, there's just no end to this...I just need to hold on so i can get there again....mentally stonger.

i have lost so much, gaining nothing but memories, holding onto the good ones. and I don't want us to be a "memory" - I'm not ready for that, on both parts. i didn't fight so hard just to give up, even though, because of the cancer taking over, there was a time where i almost did. There was just too much to handle.

Now, i'm standing in a clearing - alone - surrounded by forests of trees. And i'm stuck...unable to move, and held down by my roots - each one pulling me into directions i don't want to go towards. I want to be free again - to run into the forest and see where i'll end up...to find him waiting for me...because I'm afraid that when i finally am free - it will be too late...

I don't know how to put myself first...This is all new to me...I just hope i know what i'm doing, and that i get to where i'm going. cause in the end, i don't want to feel that I wasted so much of my remaining life trying to attain something i can never have.

A few months ago, it was "No matter what it takes..." now, it's changed to "No matter how long it takes..."

100 days in Georgia, and it took that 100 to nearly kill me. Had i stayed longer, i would be dead. At least in Alabama I was given the perspective of how bad this could turn out to be...

My heart hurts, to add on to the pain of my ailments - my tears = the painkillers.

I believed the lesson was over. i had learned to appreciate and cherish the one thing most important to me. Now, all of a sudden there's something else i have to learn and accomplish before I can get there...and once i do, what next is there for me?

i have never loved like this...

and the shampoo i'm using smells like a 99cent store